The Real World and Unix Philosophy... by Bob Peirce Last night I dreamed that the Real World had adopted the Unix Philosophy. I Went to a fast-food place for lunch. When I arrived, I found that the menu had been taken down and all the employees were standing in a line behind the counter waiting for my orders. Each of them was smaller than I remembered. There were more of them than I'd ever seen before and they had very strange names on their name tags. I tried to give my order to the first employee, but he just said something like "syntax error." I tried another employee with no more luck. He just said "Eh?", no matter what I told him. I had similar experiences with several other employees. (One employee, named "ed", didn't even say "Eh?"... he just looked at me quizzically.) Disgusted, I sought out the manager, at least it said "man" on his name tag and asked him for help. He told me that he didn't know anything about "help" and to try somebody else with a strange name for more information. The fellow with the strange name didn't know anything about "help" either, but when I told him I just wanted to order he directed me to a girl named "oe" who handled order entry. (He also told me about several other employees I couldn't care less about, but at least I got the information I needed.) I went to "oe" and when I got to the front of the queue she just smiled at me. I smiled back. She just smiled some more. Eventually I realized that I shouldn't expect a prompt. I asked for a hamburger. She didn't respond, but since she didn't say "Eh?", I knew I'd done something right. We smiled at each other a little while longer, then I told her I was finished with my order. She directed me to the cashier, where I paid and received my order. The hamburger was fine, but it was completely bare... not even a bun. I went back to "oe" to complain, but she just said "Eh?" a lot. I went to the manager and asked him about "oe." The manager explained to me that "oe" had thousands of options, but if I wanted any of them I'd have to know in advance what they were and exactly how to ask for them. He also told me about "vi", who would write down my order and let me correct it before it was done and how to hand the written order to "oe". "vi" had a nasty habit of not writing down my corrections unless I told her that I was about to make a correction, but it was still easier than dealing directly with "oe." By this time I was really hungry, but I didn't have enough money to order again, so I figured out how to redirect somebody else's order to my plate. Security was pretty lax at that place. As I was walking out the door, I was snagged by a giant Net. I screamed and woke up. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ From: (RISKS Digest) Subject: Ethernet "Ethernet" is what you use to catch the Ether Bunny. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Lunch, the HP Way by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life. I had a 9:00 meeting with my Sales Rep. I needed to buy an entire new Series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs to lunch. This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began... MMU's (Main Meal Units) 00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun. Must order condiments 00110A separately. 001 Deletes seeds. 002 Expands burger to two patties. 00020A Double Cheesburger, Preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and condiments. 001 Add-on bacon. 002 Delete second patty. 003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese. 00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheesburger. 001 From Single Burger. 002 From Double Burger. 003 Return credit for bun. 00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A 001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A. My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien. "How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?" "No sir. All our service here is menu driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?" "The patty is rated at eight bites." "Well, how about the rest of it?" "I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade." My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The Double Burger Upgrade would give you two burgers. "But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented." I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited. "What if... we marketed the bacon cheesebuger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!" The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechase over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?" "Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish. "Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too." "That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My Sales Rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration." "What now?" I kept my voice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look, forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it." The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either. The bun can take it, but the burger won't fit in the box. "Ah, but it will." The Sales Rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir." I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 00210A, option 110, French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the Sales Rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them." I gave up. "OK, OK, just give me a plain, vanilla Burger Bundle." This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for Series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckled. "No, ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask. "Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now, how would you like it supported?" "Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget. "Implementation assistance?" "You get a waiter." "Implementation analysis?" "You tell him how hungry you are, and he tells you what to eat." "Response Center Support?" "He brings it to your table." "Extended materials?" "You get refills." I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on the way to my table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin. Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in the corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away." I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two cups of chili and sauerkraut for the hot dog someone else had ordered. The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded... I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.